


in the dark, in the light, nothing left, nothing right

by songofwinterfell



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Multiple Personalities, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-14 19:18:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5755102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songofwinterfell/pseuds/songofwinterfell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>I hate you</i>, Ben spits out viciously, and though it is absolutely ridiculous, Kylo cannot stop himself from flinching because Ben has never sounded so angry before. Ben never shouts at him, only pleads and begs and tries to reason with him, seduce him back to the Light, but never ever shouts, and for some reason his words, these three simple words, make Kylo tremble. He thinks of Han Solo falling into the gaping abyss and wishes he had the strength to scream. </p><p>(Or: Everything was supposed to fall into place, but instead it all falls apart)</p>
            </blockquote>





	in the dark, in the light, nothing left, nothing right

**Author's Note:**

> The Force Awakens is actually the first Star Wars film I've ever seen, and I ended up loving it. And I found Kylo Ren very fascinating, so here's my take on what might have gone around in his head after the events on the Starkiller Base. Simply put, Kylo is not quite sane and far from stable.
> 
> Title taken from Linkin Park's song Mark The Graves.

Kylo is lying in the snow in a pool of his own blood, defeated and humiliated, when it happens again. The girl and the traitor are gone, probably far away from the crumbling planet, and he is alone with nothing else but his own demons. Ben's voice pierces his mind like a blaster bolt. 

 _No_ _no_ _no_ _no_ _no_ _,_ _what_ _have_ _you_ _done_ _?_ _You_ _killed_ _him_ _,_ _he's_ _dead_ _,_ _why_ _did_ _you_ _-_  

"Shut up", Kylo wheezes, coughing up blood. Its metallic taste fills his mouth, drips past his lips and stains his face and the white snow that is becoming his grave, and for an absurd moment Kylo wishes that he could just choke on it and let it put an end to his miserable existence. Ben is too loud in his head, too _real_ , and he wants nothing more than for it to stop. One way or another, he doesn't care anymore. 

 _How_ _could_ _you_ _,_ _he_ _was_ _your_ _father_ _, he_ _loved_ _you_ _,_ _how_ _could_ _YOU_ _-_  

"Shut up!" he says again, louder this time even though it hurts to breathe. Judging by the pain in his chest and the awful rasping sounds that he cannot stop from escaping his mouth, one of his lungs has probably collapsed. The bowcaster shot he took to his side from that Wookiee ( _Uncle_ _Chewie_ , that snivelling fool Ben used to say) broke at least few of his ribs and ripped open a huge wound that won't stop bleeding, and as though that wasn't enough, the turncoat FN-2187 struck him in the shoulder and the girl managed to land a blow to his thigh and slashed his face. Kylo doesn't know how much time he has left.  

"Han Solo meant nothing to me when he was alive, and even less now that he is dead", Kylo hisses through gritted teeth and ignores the way his voice stutters when he says the man's name. He will be strong, he has to be strong. "I'm glad he's dead, I'm glad I killed him. He was weak and a fool, and now he will never pull me down again. Nothing will stand in my way." 

Such pretty words, and Kylo wants to believe them, oh how he wants, but deep down he knows that they are nothing more than lies. He is only saying what he wants to hear, because he cannot admit that he can still hear Han call out his birth name, see his eyes (hazel, he remembers, how could he ever forget) and feel his hand on his cheek. He cannot admit that he regrets what he has done. If he does that, Ben will win.  

 _I_ _hate_ _you_ , Ben spits out viciously, and though it is absolutely ridiculous, Kylo cannot stop himself from flinching because Ben has never sounded so angry before. Ben never shouts at him, only pleads and begs and tries to reason with him, seduce him back to the Light, but never ever shouts, and for some reason his words, these three simple words, make Kylo tremble. He thinks of Han Solo falling into the gaping abyss and wishes he had the strength to scream. 

 _Just_ _leave_ _me_ _alone_ , Kylo thinks almost hysterically as he lies in the red snow and gazes at the dark sky where the battle still rages on and explosions boom and flash like the fireworks he (no, not he, Ben) once saw on Coruscant. It happened years and years ago when he was nothing more than a mere child, but he can still remember the warmth of his mother's arms around him as she held him. _W_ _hy_ _can't_ _you_ _just go_ _away_ _?_ _Y_ _ou_ _were_ _supposed_ _t_ _o go_ _away_ _._  

Supreme Leader told him, no, promised him, that killing Han Solo _(father father FATHER)_ would be the last step to the Dark Side, the last test that would finally set him free from the wretched Light that is the curse of his parentage. But it did not work. Kylo had been so sure that it was the will of the Force, a sign that he was on the right path, his grandfather's path, and he had told himself that it would only make him stronger. But even though Solo is dead now, the Light still hasn't gone anywhere and the Force refuses to respond to him. He reaches out and tries to pull it towards him, but it slips through his fingers like water and though Kylo doesn't want to admit it, deep down he knows why. 

Ben is still there, terrifyingly real, and Kylo feels weaker than ever before.  

No matter what he has done, how much he has tortured and killed and destroyed, he has never been able to get rid of Ben. It infuriates him that he, Master of the Knights of Ren and Supreme Leader's most powerful apprentice, Darth Vader's heir, cannot kill the weak little boy that still clings to his mother's skirts, the boy that never grew up, the padawan that dreamed of being a hero. Ben Solo should be dead like all the other Jedi children whose blood Kylo still cannot wash away, but somehow he lives, and every day Kylo can feel him whispering in his mind and poisoning him like a disease that cannot be cured. It drives him insane.  

Ben has to die, Kylo wants him dead and gone so that he can finally be free from his chains, because as long as Ben lives, there is still Light in him and Kylo will never fully belong to the Dark Side. Supreme Leader has seen the weakness that seeks to corrupt him and ordered Kylo to do whatever it takes to kill the boy he once was _(still is?)_ , but it simply isn't that easy. No matter how hard he tries to break free, Ben will never let him go.  

And sometimes, when Kylo is overcome with his treacherous doubts and the Light calls to him so sweetly, Ben is stronger. Kylo is afraid of him. 

The planet is collapsing around him, it groans and grumbles and roars, and amidst all that chaos it has begun to snow. Snowflakes fall slowly to his face and softly caress the burning wound the scavenger girl gave him with his grandfather's lightsaber. She could have killed him, he failed and she won, he was completely at her mercy, but she didn't and Kylo doesn't understand why. He certainly gave her enough reason for that. He captured her and invaded her mind, killed her hero and hurt her friend (that _traitor_ ), and yet she let him live. Kylo doesn't know whether he should regard it as a gift or a punishment. 

 _How_ _could_ _you_ _,_ Ben cries out again, broken and defeated, and somehow his words hurt Kylo more than any of his wounds ever could. He tries to shut Ben out and silence him before he can tear him apart any more than he already has, but Ben keeps resisting and Kylo can feel him trying to force his way out. Ben claws and rips and _pulls_ , and it is only the blinding pain consuming his whole body that keeps Kylo grounded and stops Ben from breaking out of his prison. Pain is good, pain makes him strong. There can be no darkness without pain. 

 _He_ _still_ _loved_ _you_ _. He_ _still_ _saw_ _Light_ _in_ _you_ _. And_ _you_ _killed_ _him_ _for it._  

Despite all that Kylo has done, Han still told him that it wasn't too late to turn back to the Light. Kylo wanted to scream that it had been too late for a long time, but once he saw his father there on the bridge, slowly approaching his lost son, all words died in his throat and he felt like a child again, so small and weak. Ben's hope flared inside him, so bright that it almost burned him, and for a moment he truly considered following Han (where? _home?_ ) and leaving all his grand plans behind. Damn Snoke, damn the First Order, damn everyone. He could have let it all go and never looked back.  

Instead he plunged his lightsaber right through his father's stomach. Ben's joy turned to agony, and Han took one last look at his son, reached out to caress his cheek, and died. Kylo watched him fall down and down and down, Ben's horrified screams ringing in his head, and broke into millions of tiny pieces. 

 _W_ _hat_ _have_ _you_ _done_ _?_  

Kylo starts to laugh, loud and hysterical. Inside him, Ben starts to weep.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm also on [tumblr](http://www.songofwinterfell.tumblr.com).


End file.
